Skip to main content

The #1 Reason Men Pull Away

A wonderful woman came to James Bauer (relationship expert) office one day and said, 
“James, I want you to fix me.”
James was taken aback. She explained:
“I want you to tell me everything I’m doing wrong. I want to know the right way to do it. I’ll change, and then I’ll finally meet the right man. I just know everything will work out once I know what’s wrong with me.”
James sat in silence for a moment. This woman was attractive, friendly, and confident. She had a decent career and good people skills.
“Okay,” James said. “Tell me what you think is wrong with you.”
She pulled out a list. She’d had it since New Year’s Eve, when she spent a few hours thinking hard about her life and what was stopping her from having the life she wanted.
She read it out loud to James. The list included being too nice, too talkative, too naive, and falling in love too fast. She also considered it a problem that she was too heavy around the hips and thighs, was starting to show her age and didn’t know how to dress for dates.
“Can you fix me?” she asked again. “I’m tired of going through life like this.”
“No,” James said.
She looked shocked. “But why? Am I too far gone?”
Then James told her that each flaw we think we have is a beautiful imperfection.

 Brené Brown has a wonderful book,The Gifts of Imperfection, in which she writes that wholehearted living requires us to stand up and proclaim:

 “Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

 We often think we must fix every place we are imperfect or broken to stand a chance at love. Men are no different. We all want to hide the places we feel vulnerable so that the opposite sex only sees the shine and polish of a perfect potential mate.
The ironic thing is…
It is those places in which we are vulnerable, imperfect or wounded that endear us to the right mate.
Imperfection is endearing. It’s beautiful in its own way. The Japanese have a phrase for it: “wabi sabi,” or the beauty of that which is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete.
From a masculine perspective, the feminine is always flawless.
A woman thinks she’s showing her age around her eyes. A man sees a smiling woman with a twinkle in her eye.
A woman sees a few extra pounds around the hips and thighs. A man sees an hourglass figure.
A woman spends hours selecting the right outfit for a date. A man sees a nicely-dressed woman.
It’s hard for women to see themselves as men do. If a woman is friendly, nice, confident and chatty, then a man feels good in her company. He’s not noticing all the 1001 mistakes she thinks she’s making. He’s just there, with her, enjoying the experience of her.
And here’s the real saboteur.  It’s her thinking that results in a bad feeling.  Her feeling that she must be doing something wrong.
Maybe they say goodbye, and she immediately notices he didn’t ask for her number. She berates herself for coming on too strong. She feels depressed, goes home, and eats a pint of ice cream in front of the television. Meanwhile, he’s strolling home with a spring in his step, feeling happy because he enjoyed himself talking with an attractive woman.
Everything is perception.
“Why do your flaws have to be fixed for you to have a chance with men?” James asked his client. “Perhaps, if you could learn to love your imperfections, a man could, too.”
She nodded slowly. James could tell she wasn’t convinced.
“Perhaps,” James told her, “trying to be perfect is what is pushing men away. A man needs to know you’re not perfect in order to be imperfect around you.”
We all need permission before we can show our true selves around others.
The easiest way to give someone permission to be authentic is to let down your guard first. Stand in your imperfection. No need for apologies, humility or self-effacement. Simply be who you are, even if that’s not who you think he wants.
It’s incredible how fast people connect when they drop their defenses early in a relationship. They get to know each other at a deeper level. As a result, they can make better informed decisions about whether a romantic relationship is possible.
The chink in the armor is where the light gets through.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Secret to Instant Sex Appeal

Would you rather  look  sexier or  feel   sexier?  What if you could have BOTH? You can. And no matter if you’re currently single or happily dating, the effect on your love life can be profoundly positive. There are many ways to feel sexier.  But one of the simplest ways is the tried and true cosmetic, lipstick. Psychologists have known about the “lipstick effect” for a while. The term was coined after the Great Depression when cosmetic sales soared despite limited financial resources. [1]  It was later confirmed as a legitimate trend. But not without some backlash. A few years ago, a group of researchers argued that women only try to make themselves more attractive to secure a mate.  [2]  The theory was understandable unsettling, as it suggested women will do whatever’s necessary just to find a man. But a recent study has revealed something new. A team of Harvard researchers found that women actually perform cognitive tasks  better...
Post a Comment
Read more

12 words that trigger a man’s love response - secret signal

If your man is hot or cold, acting distant or putting you last on the priority list then you will definitely want to see this. Did you know there’s a 12 word sentence you can say to your man... that will trigger intense feelings of love and instinctual attraction for you deep within his chest? Because hidden in these 12 words is a “secret signal” that fuels a man’s instinct to love, please and protect you with all his heart... >> 12 Words That Trigger A Man’s Love Response   " I've realized I won't be happy without you in my life" This instinct is so hardwired into a man’s genetics that it will drive him to work harder than ever before to make your relationship the best part of both of your lives. In fact, triggering this powerful instinct is so important to having the best possible relationship with your man that once you send your man one of these “Secret Signals”... ...You’ll immediately notice him open his mind and heart to you in a way...
1 comment
Read more

The Attraction Trip-Wire that Awakens a Man’s Deepest Longing for Love

Trip Wire: “A hidden trigger that sets off a series of explosive events.” Deep within the heart of every man is an intense longing to be someone’s hero. This longing has ancient origins. You see,the cause of this longing is written into the very fabric of his DNA. And there it lies, dormant… until one day, the right trigger unleashes its power. I’d like to show you how to become that trigger, and how   to awaken the full force your man’s bonding instinct. But first, a story. It’s the story of human connection.  Before we can care deeply about someone, we must know something about their life story. Because stories evoke empathy.  Stories allow us to picture ourselves in someone else’s shoes.  Stories form the foundation of all human connection. They create the sensation of one shared life experience. It’s strange, but true, that we can even find ourselves rooting for thieves and criminals so long as we see their story unfold. Movies like  ...
Post a Comment
Read more