Relationship expert James Bauer ran a contest to ask other women might like to discuss. Here’s the question he received from Miranda.
First of all, if you’ve experienced this yourself, you are not alone.
Many women have felt the heartache of kindness that is devalued or even rejected. It hurts when you see a man’s energy and motivation light up in response to a woman who clearly does not have his best interest in mind.
Why is the sweet woman who understands the depth and richness of kindness so often overlooked in favor of the sassy and demanding woman who seems to hold his admiration?
I’ll tell you the answer to this question. The answer has two parts, the good news and the bad news. We’ll start with the bad news first.
The answer to this painful question is far simpler than you might expect. But the tricky part is this: It’s very subtle, and therefore difficult to see what’s really going on.
Let’s examine this scenario from two perspectives. First, the obvious surface level interaction, and second, the more subtle, hidden layer of communication that’s happening between a man and the demanding woman.
On the surface it looks as if he is pursuing her while she blatantly rejects his advances, turns a cold shoulder to his needs, and uses him to get whatever she wants without regard for his well-being.
But if you look more closely, you’ll see a second layer of subtle communication going on. It’s a form of flirting. And it all comes down to…
Attention plus a challenge.
Flirting does not always start out with a woman batting her eyes and admiring his biceps. In fact, it’s often quite the opposite.
Men are attracted to a challenge. Many women instinctively know this.
Rather than activating his hero instinct (the method James has taught you to use to draw him toward a challenge) these women are using a very shortsighted method that draws him in like a moth is drawn to a candle flame.
The flame will burn him. And the relationship won’t last more than a night. But impulsive men don’t read the tea leaves or see the future implications very well when entering into this kind of relationship. They are drawn to the flame.
We both know he’s going to get burned. Wings burned, he’ll fall to the cold table, and temporarily he comes to his senses. Once again he values the nurturing love you are able to provide. He lets you nurse him back to health.
He loves you and expresses his appreciation. But one day you catch a glint of light in his eye and realize it’s the reflection of a candle up above. His singed wings have healed. And you watch as he once more becomes mesmerized by what he sees.
That’s the bad news. Men enjoy flirting with a woman who gives him attention in the form of small challenges he must overcome. She is not pulling on his sense of honor or obligation. But if you look closely you’ll notice she makes eye contact with him. She keeps him in the loop of her drama, ensuring he knows what she wants and how he has displeased her.
This is the dark side of his hero instinct. It is powerful and destructive. It is not the path to the kind of relationship you want.
That, in a nutshell is the bad news. Now let’s hear the good news.
The kind of man who will make you happy is partially immune to the hypnotizing effects of the flame. He is less likely to give in to the temporary tug he feels to rise to the challenge of rude banter that leads to nothing more than a transactional form of short-lived lust.
Activating his hero instinct allows you to tap into the same primal desire to find a challenge and prove his manhood, and yet it does so while nurturing the kind of beautiful relationship you ultimately want.
In practical terms, here’s what this means. The hero instinct will always work, but it will work better on some men than others. And the men who respond most strongly to your attempts to trigger his hero instinct will be the kind of guys you want to build a relationship with.
In other words, it serves a bit like a litmus test. It’s an early filter that can help you see whether or not he’s going to be good relationship material.
A man who receives your gentle affection and quiet admiration will rise to the challenge of helping you and serving you in order to find his place as a valued hero in the micro-world of his social sphere.
Now, some of you may be wondering, “Could I use both methods? Could I initially attract him with the cold banter and demanding demeanor that catches his attention in the short-term, and then later reveal my true intention to become equal partners with him? Partners who love and support each other in all things?”
No. Doing so would lower your odds of success in the end. The short-term benefit does not outweigh the long-term cost.
He’s looking for a soulmate. He may not know it, and he may not admit it, but he is.
Rising to the challenge of a woman who plays hard to get may be a short-term thrill, but it will never sustain his competing desire to build something lasting. Something real. Something more beautiful than the kind of stuff guys brag about in locker rooms.
Your man—the guy James wants you to end up with—will be pulled to the powerful warmth of a true, full embrace that does not rely on trickery or false personas. And so long as you follow the formulas James had taught you in his course, His Secret Obsession (contains the wisdom of a relationship expert with 12 years in the industry, as well as tips and strategies based on concrete human psychology.)
“I’ve thought about this for hours and days on end and never really understood it. Why do some guys praise women for being rude and demanding towards them, but seem to run from our acts of kindness and compassion?”
Many women have felt the heartache of kindness that is devalued or even rejected. It hurts when you see a man’s energy and motivation light up in response to a woman who clearly does not have his best interest in mind.
Why is the sweet woman who understands the depth and richness of kindness so often overlooked in favor of the sassy and demanding woman who seems to hold his admiration?
I’ll tell you the answer to this question. The answer has two parts, the good news and the bad news. We’ll start with the bad news first.
The answer to this painful question is far simpler than you might expect. But the tricky part is this: It’s very subtle, and therefore difficult to see what’s really going on.
Let’s examine this scenario from two perspectives. First, the obvious surface level interaction, and second, the more subtle, hidden layer of communication that’s happening between a man and the demanding woman.
On the surface it looks as if he is pursuing her while she blatantly rejects his advances, turns a cold shoulder to his needs, and uses him to get whatever she wants without regard for his well-being.
But if you look more closely, you’ll see a second layer of subtle communication going on. It’s a form of flirting. And it all comes down to…
Attention plus a challenge.
Flirting does not always start out with a woman batting her eyes and admiring his biceps. In fact, it’s often quite the opposite.
Men are attracted to a challenge. Many women instinctively know this.
The flame will burn him. And the relationship won’t last more than a night. But impulsive men don’t read the tea leaves or see the future implications very well when entering into this kind of relationship. They are drawn to the flame.
We both know he’s going to get burned. Wings burned, he’ll fall to the cold table, and temporarily he comes to his senses. Once again he values the nurturing love you are able to provide. He lets you nurse him back to health.
He loves you and expresses his appreciation. But one day you catch a glint of light in his eye and realize it’s the reflection of a candle up above. His singed wings have healed. And you watch as he once more becomes mesmerized by what he sees.
This is the dark side of his hero instinct. It is powerful and destructive. It is not the path to the kind of relationship you want.
That, in a nutshell is the bad news. Now let’s hear the good news.
The kind of man who will make you happy is partially immune to the hypnotizing effects of the flame. He is less likely to give in to the temporary tug he feels to rise to the challenge of rude banter that leads to nothing more than a transactional form of short-lived lust.
Activating his hero instinct allows you to tap into the same primal desire to find a challenge and prove his manhood, and yet it does so while nurturing the kind of beautiful relationship you ultimately want.
In practical terms, here’s what this means. The hero instinct will always work, but it will work better on some men than others. And the men who respond most strongly to your attempts to trigger his hero instinct will be the kind of guys you want to build a relationship with.
In other words, it serves a bit like a litmus test. It’s an early filter that can help you see whether or not he’s going to be good relationship material.
A man who receives your gentle affection and quiet admiration will rise to the challenge of helping you and serving you in order to find his place as a valued hero in the micro-world of his social sphere.
Now, some of you may be wondering, “Could I use both methods? Could I initially attract him with the cold banter and demanding demeanor that catches his attention in the short-term, and then later reveal my true intention to become equal partners with him? Partners who love and support each other in all things?”
No. Doing so would lower your odds of success in the end. The short-term benefit does not outweigh the long-term cost.
He’s looking for a soulmate. He may not know it, and he may not admit it, but he is.
Your man—the guy James wants you to end up with—will be pulled to the powerful warmth of a true, full embrace that does not rely on trickery or false personas. And so long as you follow the formulas James had taught you in his course, His Secret Obsession (contains the wisdom of a relationship expert with 12 years in the industry, as well as tips and strategies based on concrete human psychology.)
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