When you meet someone for the first time, wouldn’t it be nice to know if he really likes you or whether he’s just being polite?
Men are hard to read.
It’s annoying, because most of us are really good at reading other women. We can tell what our girlfriends are thinking before they even say a word.
So why are men so difficult?
Maybe it’s because men lie.
Words Don’t Tell the Truth
Men lie about themselves 8x more than they do about other people.
They engage in what’s known as self-serving lying. These are lies that make them look better: more successful, more powerful, more interesting.
Women lie just as much as men, but they tend to lie about other things.
They engage in what’s known as prosocial lying, which is not telling the truth in order to protect other people’s feelings or keep the peace.
A man will say, “I’ve got this incredible beach house,” when in fact he’s got a tiny beach shack he’s renting along with four other people.
And a woman will say, “I’m enjoying talking to you so much!” when in fact she can’t wait to get home and her feet are killing her and she’s bored out of her mind.
That’s why my #1 rule when it comes to reading a man like a book is…
Rule #1. Ignore what he says.
People can say anything.
When we want to make a good impression on someone, we calculate the impact of what we’re about to say. We consider how it’s going to be received. If we think it won’t serve us, then we won’t say it.
If we’re men, we say what makes us sound good. If we’re women, we say what the other person wants to hear.
We’re both using our words to achieve the goal of social connection. We’re not going to risk rejection by speaking the unpleasant truth.
So don’t look for truth in what’s coming out of his mouth.
And don’t look for truth in what he texts you.
Look at what he’s saying in the context of a game..
The game we ALL play of using words to manage someone else’s perception of us.
Rule #2. Ditch the self-consciousness.
Something that fogs up our truth sensors is self-consciousness.
When we’re focused on ourselves and how we’re coming across, our cognitive resources get chewed up by our own internal chatter, rather than being free to take in information about him.
If you’re going to read him accurately, you can’t see him through the lens of your own self-consciousness.
For example, research has found that people who feel insecure tend to see rejection where there’s none. He seems a little cold; you conclude he’s gone off you.
Your own feelings about yourself get mixed up in what you observe. You can’t see his behavior objectively. What you’re seeing are your own fears and insecurities.
If you struggle with this, a good strategy is to ask your friends for their take.
If you’re wondering if he’s really into you, ask your friends. If they’ve seen the two of you together, chances are they have a pretty good sense of whether it’s going anywhere. Whether or not they feel comfortable giving you the unvarnished truth is another story…
Rule #3. Rely on your emotional intelligence.
Our brains analyze everything.
They’ll pick apart every nuance of his behavior and come up with 1001 potential explanations for why he said, “I can’t do anything this weekend.”
So don’t trust your brain.
Trust your emotional intelligence.
We have a system that’s completely beneath our conscious awareness that can read people’s emotional states instantly.
We developed this emotional awareness back in the dawn of time to help us gauge whether an oncoming stranger was friend or foe. We didn’t have time to talk to people to figure them out. We needed to know instantly whether someone was an ally or just looking to use us.
Today, we still have a huge degree of emotional awareness. The only problem is., our brain drowns it out.
So how do we listen?
Try this. When you want to read a man, block out what he’s saying. Block out how you’re feeling about what he’s saying. Block out how you’re feeling about yourself.
Instead, sit back, observe him, keep your eyes on his, soak in his energy, and ask yourself…
"What is this man feeling right now?”Then trust the answer that comes to you.
We automatically pick up how other people are feeling. Sometimes we confuse it for our own feelings, like when you’re around someone who’s nervous and you start feeling nervous yourself.
You may not be able to tell whether he’s telling you the truth, but you can almost always pick up how he’s feeling underneath.
That feeling is his truth in that moment.
The story you come up with for it is yours.
If he’s nervous, you might think that you make him nervous, when in fact this is his first date in months and he’s worried he’s lost the touch.
So don’t confuse your story with his experience. That’s rule #2, right?
Use your senses to pick up on how he’s feeling in that moment, and sit on that information.
Emotions are raw truth. We can’t fake how we feel. Sometimes they tell us things we’d rather not hear.
If you can separate what he’s saying and how you feel from the situation, you can often see the truth staring you in the face.
What you do with it next is up to you.
Harness the Power of Emotional Intelligence
Did you know you can use the power of emotional intelligence to give a man the feeling of love in a bottle? It’s true. You can actually use your emotional state to affect his emotional state. It all comes down to mirror neurons.
Amy Waterman[1] will explain more in her book The Pleasure Principle. She's not going to tell you how to “get a man.” She's going to tell you how to harness the power of your pleasure—no pleasing men required.
[1] Amy Waterman, M.A., is an international speaker, author, and love expert.
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