Skip to main content

The 5 Factors of a Flourishing Relationship


Everyone thinks they know what makes a relationship work.

Communication. Date nights. Never going to bed angry.

All those things help. But they’re not enough.

To have a happy relationship, you’ve got to be happy, he’s got to be happy, and you’ve got to feel like you’re going somewhere as a couple.

How do you do that?

Twenty years ago, Dr. Martin Seligman launched the field of positive psychology. He wanted to know how normal, healthy people could be even happier and more fulfilled.

It wasn’t a question psychologists had been asking. Up until then, they saw themselves as the doctors of the mind, restoring troubled patients to mental health.

At first, Dr. Seligman was no different. Then he had a chance encounter with his 5-year-old daughter that changed him forever.

They were weeding in the garden. His daughter was laughing and playing and having a grand old time doing everything but pulling weeds. Dr. Seligman shouted at her to get to work.

She walked over and asked if she could have a talk with him. She told him that when she turned 5, she had made a vow not to whine about anything. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done. “And if I can stop whining,” she told him, “you can stop being such a grouch.”[1]

In short, you can make a decision about how you want to show up in the world.

You can look at everything that’s wrong and try to fix it…

Or you can look at the life you want to have and go after it.

Let’s imagine that, instead of Dr. Seligman and his daughter, it’s you and your guy out there in the garden. You’re sweating like crazy getting those weeds pulled, and your guy is supposed to be helping you. But his progress is slow because he’s goofing around a lot while he works on the task.

How do you feel about that?

Do you think he’s a jerk? After all, he’s not working as hard or as fast as he could.

Or do you appreciate the light-hearted fun he’s bringing to the task?

A life where boring jobs come accompanied with a little entertainment sounds pretty good. Because that’ a life where happiness has found a way to co-exist with duty.

For most of us, it’s easy to see a relationship as a series of problems that must be solved. The weeds must get pulled. The dinner must get made. Conflicts must be resolved.

But it’s much more fun to see a relationship as a series of possibilities to explore. For example…

How can you enjoy yourselves even if you’re broke? How can you feel closer to each other? How can you make your relationship mean more than just a guy and a girl having a good time together?

In 2011, Dr. Seligman put together the pieces of a puzzle he’d been working on for a long time. He wanted to know what created a life worth living. A life full of meaning, satisfaction, joy and achievement.

He discovered that happiness wasn’t the be-all and end-all. Happiness was great, but it wasn’t enough.

People needed 5 factors in their lives to truly flourish.

He made up an acronym, PERMA, to make each factor easy to remember.

And if you incorporate these 5 factors in your relationship, you’ll be amazed at the difference.

P is for Positive Emotions

Feeling love, joy and gratitude for each other on a daily basis keeps your mood high.

E is for Engagement

Put aside your phone, eliminate distractions, and focus on each other when you’re together. Don’t try to multi-task. Stay present.

R is for Relationships

Make relationships a priority. That doesn’t just mean your relationship with each other. Stay connected to friends and family members. Socialize together and apart. Don’t let your relationship become an island.

M is for Meaning

Why do you think the two of you found each other when you did? Was there a sense of destiny? What can the two of you do together that you couldn’t do apart? Do you have a mission as a couple? Put your relationship into a larger context.

A is for Accomplishment

Every couple needs goals that go beyond buying a house or having their first child. Set goals that excite you. Is there a travel destination on your bucket list? Do you want to master gourmet cooking or ballroom dancing? Go after something together.

The more PERMA in your relationship, the more fulfilling it will feel. A relationship where you both flourish is within your reach.

[1] The Hope Circuit (New York: Hatchette Book Group, 2018) 4.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Secret to Instant Sex Appeal

Would you rather  look  sexier or  feel   sexier?  What if you could have BOTH? You can. And no matter if you’re currently single or happily dating, the effect on your love life can be profoundly positive. There are many ways to feel sexier.  But one of the simplest ways is the tried and true cosmetic, lipstick. Psychologists have known about the “lipstick effect” for a while. The term was coined after the Great Depression when cosmetic sales soared despite limited financial resources. [1]  It was later confirmed as a legitimate trend. But not without some backlash. A few years ago, a group of researchers argued that women only try to make themselves more attractive to secure a mate.  [2]  The theory was understandable unsettling, as it suggested women will do whatever’s necessary just to find a man. But a recent study has revealed something new. A team of Harvard researchers found that women actually perform cognitive tasks  better...
Post a Comment
Read more

12 words that trigger a man’s love response - secret signal

If your man is hot or cold, acting distant or putting you last on the priority list then you will definitely want to see this. Did you know there’s a 12 word sentence you can say to your man... that will trigger intense feelings of love and instinctual attraction for you deep within his chest? Because hidden in these 12 words is a “secret signal” that fuels a man’s instinct to love, please and protect you with all his heart... >> 12 Words That Trigger A Man’s Love Response   " I've realized I won't be happy without you in my life" This instinct is so hardwired into a man’s genetics that it will drive him to work harder than ever before to make your relationship the best part of both of your lives. In fact, triggering this powerful instinct is so important to having the best possible relationship with your man that once you send your man one of these “Secret Signals”... ...You’ll immediately notice him open his mind and heart to you in a way...
1 comment
Read more

The Attraction Trip-Wire that Awakens a Man’s Deepest Longing for Love

Trip Wire: “A hidden trigger that sets off a series of explosive events.” Deep within the heart of every man is an intense longing to be someone’s hero. This longing has ancient origins. You see,the cause of this longing is written into the very fabric of his DNA. And there it lies, dormant… until one day, the right trigger unleashes its power. I’d like to show you how to become that trigger, and how   to awaken the full force your man’s bonding instinct. But first, a story. It’s the story of human connection.  Before we can care deeply about someone, we must know something about their life story. Because stories evoke empathy.  Stories allow us to picture ourselves in someone else’s shoes.  Stories form the foundation of all human connection. They create the sensation of one shared life experience. It’s strange, but true, that we can even find ourselves rooting for thieves and criminals so long as we see their story unfold. Movies like  ...
Post a Comment
Read more