Skip to main content

7 Steps to Building Greater Trust in Your Relationship

Trust is such a BIG word. What does it really mean? How do we gain trust? What happens when we lose it?
Dr. John Gottman, who’s famous for his work with couples, talks about trust being built in the smallest of moments. He gives an example that beautifully portrays this.
One night he was in bed reading a very suspenseful novel. He was close to the end, where he’d finally get to find out “who done it.” He was savoring the moment and thought he would just go to the bathroom and then jump back into bed to finish the book.
His wife was brushing her hair. He noticed she looked sad. The first thought that came to his mind was: “Just keep walking, just keep walking.”
Dr. Gottman calls these moments sliding door moments. Walk through one door, and you turn towards your partner. Walk through the other door (pretending everything is fine), and you end up turning away.
Dr. Gottman made the hard choice. He took the brush out of his wife’s hand and asked her, “What’s the matter, baby?” THAT was a moment of building trust.
It takes great courage to do the hard thing. Shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown calls this “braving.” She uses the word as an acronym to break down each element of trustworthiness.
As you read through each element, ask yourself:
Are you BRAVING in your relationship?
B—Boundaries
We are clear about our boundaries and respect the boundaries of others.
R—Reliability
We do what we have said we are going to do, over and over and over again. This also means we know our limitations. We don’t take on too much, in case we end up being unable to deliver on our commitments.
A—Accountability
When we make a mistake, we own it, apologize for it, and make amends. We also let others do the same to us.
V—Vault
What we share with each other will be held in confidentiality. And not only that, I do not share anything with you about somebody else that is not mine to share. This is a biggie when it comes to trust. Gossiping about others diminishes trust.
I—Integrity
Our actions match our words. We practice our values, rather than merely professing them.
N—Nonjudgment
We are able to ask others for help and share what we feel without judging ourselves. We are also able to extend help without judging those who seek our help. Many of us find a lot of value in being the helper, but real trust is not built unless help is reciprocal.
G—Generosity
We extend the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words and behaviors of others. So, if you screw up, I will make a generous assumption and check in without blaming.
As you can see, trust is not a feeling you have about each other. It is a practice.
You come to trust one another by BRAVING. By being reliable, accountable, nonjudmental and generous. By respecting boundaries and confidences. By staying in integrity.
How could you “BRAVE” better in your relationship?
Want to learn more?
Watch Monica’s interview with Your Brilliance where she talks about having the courage to be yourself and stand strong in your vulnerability.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

12 words that trigger a man’s love response - secret signal

If your man is hot or cold, acting distant or putting you last on the priority list then you will definitely want to see this. Did you know there’s a 12 word sentence you can say to your man... that will trigger intense feelings of love and instinctual attraction for you deep within his chest? Because hidden in these 12 words is a “secret signal” that fuels a man’s instinct to love, please and protect you with all his heart... >> 12 Words That Trigger A Man’s Love Response   " I've realized I won't be happy without you in my life" This instinct is so hardwired into a man’s genetics that it will drive him to work harder than ever before to make your relationship the best part of both of your lives. In fact, triggering this powerful instinct is so important to having the best possible relationship with your man that once you send your man one of these “Secret Signals”... ...You’ll immediately notice him open his mind and heart to you in a way...
1 comment
Read more

The Secret to Instant Sex Appeal

Would you rather  look  sexier or  feel   sexier?  What if you could have BOTH? You can. And no matter if you’re currently single or happily dating, the effect on your love life can be profoundly positive. There are many ways to feel sexier.  But one of the simplest ways is the tried and true cosmetic, lipstick. Psychologists have known about the “lipstick effect” for a while. The term was coined after the Great Depression when cosmetic sales soared despite limited financial resources. [1]  It was later confirmed as a legitimate trend. But not without some backlash. A few years ago, a group of researchers argued that women only try to make themselves more attractive to secure a mate.  [2]  The theory was understandable unsettling, as it suggested women will do whatever’s necessary just to find a man. But a recent study has revealed something new. A team of Harvard researchers found that women actually perform cognitive tasks  better...
Post a Comment
Read more

5 Ways Men Express Love

For Victoria, getting an “I love you” from her partner was like getting blood from a turnip. She could count on one hand the number of times he’d said it. She said it to him all the time. She was always thinking of little ways to show she cared. Yet he just assumed she knew how he felt. “I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t love you,” he told her once. It seemed to her that he took her for granted. She didn’t want to be in a relationship where she never knew how he felt. She wanted romance and reassurances. She wanted long conversations. Instead it felt like their relationship centered on practical things. What needed doing, what was happening, what the weather would be tomorrow. She didn’t  need  to know the weather. She needed to know he loved her. The Feelings Problem Feelings are a problem for 9 out of 10 couples. (Totally made up statistic, but I’ll bet it’s close.) In a nutshell, the Feelings Problem is this: She expresses her feelings… and he doesn’t. He sometimes wishes ...
Post a Comment
Read more