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How to Play Hard to Get – With Science!


Article from Amy Waterman[1]

As women, we know 3 things:

  1. Men are natural hunters.
  2. Men want what they can’t have.
  3. Men only value what they’ve had to work for.

The conclusion is obvious.

You don’t want to be easy. You want to play hard to get.

But won’t playing hard to get drive him away? And isn’t it kind of manipulative at the end of the day? Why pretend to be busy when you’re not? Won’t he find out you’ve been lying to him?

To find out the answers, let’s look at the science of playing hard to get. You’ll discover HOW to play hard to get, WHO plays hard to get, and WHEN to play hard to get.

How We Play Hard to Get

There are 5 main ways we play hard to get in romantic relationships.

  1. We limit our availability.
  2. We’re busy all the time.
  3. We’re not easy to get hold of.
  4. We blow hot and cold.
  5. We act uninterested.

We use these tactics for two reasons.

Playing hard to get makes us a scarce resource. We don’t go out with just anyone. Done right, that scarcity drives up our value. We’re perceived as more of a catch.

We also play hard to get to make men chase us. We want to see him work for it. If he wants to be with us, he’d better make a commitment and prove he’s in it for the long haul. So we pull back and make it hard for him, to see what he’ll do.

And it works!

The more someone invests in you, the less they’re willing to walk away from their investment. In economics, this is known as “sunk cost fallacy.” People have a hard time walking away from something they’ve worked hard on, even if it’s probably never going to pay off.

Who Plays Hard to Get

So who plays hard to get?

Anyone can use these tactics, but there are two kinds of people who tend to play hard to get more than others:

  1. People who are manipulative
  2. People who are already a catch

Manipulative people like the way that playing hard to get can wrap someone around their little finger. It’s all technique and no heart.

People who are already a catch are already a scarce resource. If they were open, friendly, and made all the time in the world for everyone who wanted to get to know them, they’d be run off their feet! So they use hard-to-get tactics to sift through all their mate prospects and narrow down the field.

When to Play Hard to Get

So, the million-dollar question…

Does playing hard to get actually work?

The answer is: Only in certain situations.

If a man is looking for a casual hookup, he’s not going to pick a woman who’s playing hard to get. He’s going to pick someone who’s easier.

On the other hand, if a woman is looking for a casual hookup, she’s going to look at guys who are aloof and unavailable. She’s less likely to hook up with a guy who’s already made it clear he’s interested.

That preference plays out on first dates, too.

A first date is NOT the time for a woman to play hard to get. Men prefer women who are friendly and likable on that first date, because those traits are perceived as more feminine.

Men, on the other hand, SHOULD play hard to get. Women prefer men who are a little bit aloof on that first date, perhaps because they come across as more masculine.

In general, you only want to play hard to get if you’ve already established a foundation of attraction.

If he likes you, and he thinks you’re likable and fun, then a bit of playing hard to get can ramp up desire and encourage him to invest a bit more in the relationship.

What playing hard to get CAN’T do is create attraction from scratch.

If he’s not already interested, you’re making him work for something he doesn’t want. He won’t go for it.

You’ve also got to get the balance right. If you act too aloof, you’ll push him away.

So balance the push with the pull. Use hard-to-get tactics more as a way to tease him and enhance mystery. See it as something playful. Balance it with warmth, affection, and connection.

Are you a sucker for a guy who’s hard to get? Where have you experienced the most success: with vinegar or with honey? 

And for more tips on attraction, make sure to grab my free report on The 3 A’s of Effortless Attraction. If playing hard to get isn’t your thing, and you’d rather make people feel good, then you’re going to want to find out what’s inside. Get it here.

[1] Amy Waterman, M.A., is an international speaker, author, and love expert. Her work has appeared in over a dozen online courses, including  The Pleasure Principle, Save My Marriage Today, Connect & Commit, and How to Be Irresistible to Men. With over 15 years of experience in the love advice industry, she knows that the search for love is at the heart of the human experience.

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