Skip to main content

3 Surprising First Date Conversation Tips


You’re on a first date, and you really want to make it to a second date. Should you:

  1. (a) Talk about him, or (b) talk about yourself?
  2. (a) Ask lots of questions, or (b) not ask questions?
  3. (a) Play it cool, or (b) get excited?

I’ll give you a clue. The answer is either all a’s or all b’s.

Before I tell you which one it is, let me tell you how the scientific method was used to discover these answers.

Two scholars from Stanford and one from the University of California wanted to know what makes two people click.

So they sent graduate students on more than 1,000 4-minute dates. Each student wore an audio recording device. After the date, the participants rated their experience.

The researchers encoded thousands of minutes of first-date conversations. The results, published in the May 2013 American Journal of Sociology, provided some surprises as well as confirming some common-sense truths.

For example, women are much choosier than men. They look for men who excite and engage them in conversation.

Men, on the other hand, express interest in a number of women. They’re less focused on the quality of a conversation and more focused on physical attraction.

I’m sure none of that surprises you! Next, the researchers tried to nail down the signs that a date was going well.

When a man is feeling a sense of connection with a woman, he’s more likely to laugh. His voice evens out into a monotone, presumably because it sounds more masculine.

Women display different signs. When they’re feeling connected to a man, they tend to speak more softly, at a higher pitch. They take shorter turns while speaking.

The best dates, the researchers found, are those with a high level of excitement. Both parties are enthusiastic, engaged, and swap stories instead of swapping questions.

So far, so good. Now comes the part that turns conventional dating wisdom on its head…

The most successful dates are those in which the woman spends a lot of time talking about herself.

The more she says I, me, and myself, the more successful the date—both in terms of how connected she feels to him and how connected he feels to her.

Why?

Talking about yourself to a man who’s supportive and understanding creates a feeling of intimacy. As he expresses appreciation or sympathy, you feel that he “gets” you.

Even if he interrupts you to share an insight or his own story, your connection won’t suffer. His interruption demonstrates that he’s just as caught up in the conversation as you are.

However, this shared connection won’t happen if you’re talking about yourself because he’s asking you lots of questions about your life.

The more questions you ask each other, the more it’s a sign the date isn’t going well. Here’s how the researchers explained it:

“We found that questions were used by women to keep a lagging conversation going, and they were used by men who had nothing to say.” [1]

Does that ring true in your experience?

So what you want to see is a first-date conversation where both of you are passionately swapping stories about your lives.

He is listening to you carefully and responding appropriately. He’s taking a supporting role so that you can shine. He’s not changing the subject to talk about what he’s interested in.

You may have heard advice that says just the opposite … that women should talk about what men want, not show too much enthusiasm, and let him lead the conversation. But the evidence suggests that strategy is not a winner, at least for a first date.

It may be that asking him lots of questions is a successful strategy for a second or third date. This particular study didn’t go that far.

One last tip:

Avoid ambiguous expressions like maybe, kind of, or about. When you use a lot of hedges in your speech (words and phrases that express uncertainty), it’s a sign that the date isn’t going well. Men click most with women who speak definitively.

With all that fresh in your mind, let’s go back to the question that opened this article. On a first date, should you:

  1. (a) Talk about him, or (b) talk about yourself?
  2. (a) Ask lots of questions, or (b) not ask questions?
  3. (a) Play it cool, or (b) get excited?

[1] https://nlp.stanford.edu/pubs/mcfarlandjurafskyrawlings.pdf

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

12 words that trigger a man’s love response - secret signal

If your man is hot or cold, acting distant or putting you last on the priority list then you will definitely want to see this. Did you know there’s a 12 word sentence you can say to your man... that will trigger intense feelings of love and instinctual attraction for you deep within his chest? Because hidden in these 12 words is a “secret signal” that fuels a man’s instinct to love, please and protect you with all his heart... >> 12 Words That Trigger A Man’s Love Response   " I've realized I won't be happy without you in my life" This instinct is so hardwired into a man’s genetics that it will drive him to work harder than ever before to make your relationship the best part of both of your lives. In fact, triggering this powerful instinct is so important to having the best possible relationship with your man that once you send your man one of these “Secret Signals”... ...You’ll immediately notice him open his mind and heart to you in a way...
1 comment
Read more

The Secret to Instant Sex Appeal

Would you rather  look  sexier or  feel   sexier?  What if you could have BOTH? You can. And no matter if you’re currently single or happily dating, the effect on your love life can be profoundly positive. There are many ways to feel sexier.  But one of the simplest ways is the tried and true cosmetic, lipstick. Psychologists have known about the “lipstick effect” for a while. The term was coined after the Great Depression when cosmetic sales soared despite limited financial resources. [1]  It was later confirmed as a legitimate trend. But not without some backlash. A few years ago, a group of researchers argued that women only try to make themselves more attractive to secure a mate.  [2]  The theory was understandable unsettling, as it suggested women will do whatever’s necessary just to find a man. But a recent study has revealed something new. A team of Harvard researchers found that women actually perform cognitive tasks  better...
Post a Comment
Read more

5 Ways Men Express Love

For Victoria, getting an “I love you” from her partner was like getting blood from a turnip. She could count on one hand the number of times he’d said it. She said it to him all the time. She was always thinking of little ways to show she cared. Yet he just assumed she knew how he felt. “I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t love you,” he told her once. It seemed to her that he took her for granted. She didn’t want to be in a relationship where she never knew how he felt. She wanted romance and reassurances. She wanted long conversations. Instead it felt like their relationship centered on practical things. What needed doing, what was happening, what the weather would be tomorrow. She didn’t  need  to know the weather. She needed to know he loved her. The Feelings Problem Feelings are a problem for 9 out of 10 couples. (Totally made up statistic, but I’ll bet it’s close.) In a nutshell, the Feelings Problem is this: She expresses her feelings… and he doesn’t. He sometimes wishes ...
Post a Comment
Read more