Article from dating coach James Bauer [1]
"More and more often, I’ve been hearing from women that relationships are dead.
Men don’t want to get to know you anymore. They just want to jump into bed.
Even though these women state clearly in their profiles that they want a relationship, the men they meet have something else on their minds.
Instead of conversation, these women get sexual innuendo. Instead of dates, they get asked to come over. Instead of flirting, they get unwanted pics.
“Guys don’t even want to take you anywhere,” one woman told me. “It’s all, bring over a bottle of wine and let’s Netflix and chill. Which is code for wanting to get lucky.”
This change has been driven by dating apps, which create the perception of abundance.
For singles looking for something casual, ordering a partner online feels as easy as ordering a pizza.
But for singles looking for love, the digital dating odds aren’t much better than finding a needle in a haystack.
Why is it so hard to find love on dating sites?
And what can you do to improve your chances?
The Tinder Effect
Dating apps like Tinder have changed mating psychology in some significant ways.
If you go out to a local hotspot on a bustling Saturday night hoping to meet someone, you may notice that it’s hard to catch anyone’s eye, because everyone is looking at their phones.
Many men prefer to use Tinder to arrange hookups rather than go up and talk to a woman in person.
Approaching someone in real life involves a high risk of rejection, whereas Tinder only matches you with available, interested singles who have already indicated that they like how you look.
And those online profiles appear much more attractive than the real people around you.
Scroll through a dating site, and you’ll see beautiful people smiling at the camera. They’ve chosen profile pictures that show them off at their very best.
Look around you at a party, and you may not be half as impressed by the real-life men you see. In real life, we can’t hide our flaws.
Dating apps offer the illusion of an infinite dating pool of singles who appear much more attractive and interesting than people from your everyday life.
That illusion is also its downfall:
Singles have become used to judging attractiveness in a split second. Many have lost the patience—and desire—to get to know someone.
3 Tips to Combat the Tinder Effect
If you’re tired of meeting men who don’t want to put in the time to build a relationship, then it’s time to change your dating strategy.
There are men out there who want to find love, too, but they find themselves overlooked in favor of men who are more confident, cocky, and assertive.
First, if you’re online dating, pick your dating app wisely.
Although there are people looking for love on every dating site, some sites are designed to facilitate real connections. Do a search for “female friendly dating apps” to find the latest.
Next, flirt up a storm, but keep the innuendo out of it.
A lot of men test the waters by turning the conversation sexy and seeing how you’ll respond.
If you’re dirty talking with him before you’ve even met, he takes it as a sign that you want what he wants.
On the other hand, men who are looking for a long-term relationship may hold back, because they want to get to know you better first.
Because he’s not putting the moves on you right away, you may conclude that he doesn’t find you attractive.
So give men a chance, too.
If you like his mind and the goodness of his heart, see him a few times. It’s okay if there isn’t instant chemistry. Shy guys may need a date or two to relax and show you who they truly are.
Don’t force it if there’s no spark, but give your connection a chance. Flirt with him. Tease him. Tickle his heart.
Show him you’re attracted to the qualities you see on the inside, not just the outside.
Finally, read the “Netflix and chill” date for what it is:
An invitation to take your connection to a physical level.
If you want to get to know a man first, don’t feel guilty for wanting a more traditional first date.
Guys who want to get to know you first are perfectly happy with a coffee date. Coffee dates are designed for talking.
But guys who only want a physical connection won’t want to waste time with coffee. They’ll want to meet for drinks or go back to their house.
A man who drops out of sight after you’ve told him that you want to take it slow is not someone who wants what you want.
Don’t feel rejected. Feel glad!
Hold out for a man who wants a relationship and knows that the way to get one is to get to know each other first.
Those men are out there. Keep looking!
[1] James Bauer the author of the bestselling His Secret Obsession and What Men Secretly Want courses. His website moto, “Be Irresistible” reflects something important that he’d like to share with you. Striving to be irresistible to men might sound like a surface-level goal, but it goes deeper than that.
Being irresistible is about a special set of qualities that emanate from feelings of happiness, true confidence, and a kind of inner beauty that pulls at a man’s heartstrings.
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